For every successful movie campaign, there’s an equally poor one. Look at the staggering success of Wonder Woman and then compare it to the bomb that is Baywatch, and you’ll see how much a successful marketing campaign can afflict a film’s success. So, in the spirit of a movie season known for its financial risks, let’s take a look at some movies which were doomed from the release of their posters.

 

Bird 2

You know a film is going to be good when the poster has the words ‘who needs talent’ proudly displayed on it. There are so many explosions, and bird attacks going on that the ‘actors’ nearly remembered to look interested! Also, James Nguyen is the ‘Master of Romantic Thrillers’? This quote isn’t sourced, so I’m just going to assume that it was taken from his doting grandma.

The buttercream

NO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS WAS MADE IN THE 90’S? SURELY NOT! It’s hard to ignore the weirdly euphemistic term ‘ButterCream’ (I don’t wanna see the X-rated version of this). Also, look at those sickly, saccharine grins. What are they laughing at? The fact that this got a sequel? This poster is about as boring as the movie itself, which I’ve sadly seen all the way through. “What do you do when your best friend is making a big mistake?”, you stand around in a field with half of your body missing.

Frogs

‘… a CROAK … a SCREAM’, this right here is true horror. Aside from the fact that the ‘FROGS’ in this movie are actually toads, what is up with the proportions of this giant ‘frog’? They aren’t huge in the movie, so they’ve seemingly eaten the hand of the world’s smallest man. ‘It’s the day that nature strikes back’, or, if you’re unlucky enough to watch this, it’s the day you lose your brain cells. Or your dignity if you’re Sam Elliott.

Reefer

Erm, “The sweet “pill” that makes life bitter!”? Those dastardly marijuana pills are ruining our kids! Also, are the people with the black eyes supposed to signify that you turn into a panda after smoking weed? Because if so then this might be counter-productive. “WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS!”, yes, because anyone who has seen this film knows that it is based on fact. You know, as a Uni student, I’m constantly seeing those marijuana related deaths. It’s an epidemic! Stay away kids, or you might become one of those “YOUTHFUL MARIJUANA VICTIMS”!

Manos

“NO ONE SEATED THE LAST 10 MINUTES”, that’s because they all left in the first 10 minutes. ” We defy you to guess the ending?”. First of all, why is that a question? And secondly, that would require me to actually pay attention to the movie. AND BESIDES, you gave away the film with that needless description! I was ready for a riveting ride, but you spoilt it! And why does that hand coming out of the ‘A’ only have 4 fingers? Damn it, Manos, I thought you were better than this!

Kirk Cameron

‘SAVING CHRISTMAS’ by smashing shit up with a giant candy cane…? I feel so sorry for Kirk Cameron having his name strewn across the top of this poster in bold writing. “PUT CHRIST BACK IN CHRISTMAS”, okay, it was wrong of me to keep calling it MAS. Don’t be deceived by the action packed poster, this film’s subtitle is actually “Kirk Cameron Talks Bullshit For A While”. “LIMITED ENGAGEMENT”, at least they’re honest about the audience response to the film.

Neil Breen

Let Neil stare sensually into your soul, you know you can’t resist his charm. “The controversial story”? Doesn’t that imply that anyone cared about this movie? To be fair, I guess those 4 stars are evidence of this film being a classic. It’s really hard to get such acclaim from nobody. “The government can’t stop him… As he reunites with his dead girlfriend each night.”, is it that they can’t stop him, or they just don’t want to deal with a psychopath? That beautiful, definitely not dreary, grey background has inspired me to watch this film.

Left behind

I love this road that leads right into the ocean. Maybe it’s a metaphor for how we can try our best to take a steady trip through life, but our problems will always drown us? Okay, no, it’s just a shitty poster. Nicolas Cage looks like he’s staring us in the eyes, asking why we have to watch him at his lowest point. Also, “THE END BEGINS”. I mean, to me it just looks like that one city is in trouble. Just don’t take the ocean road and you’ll be cool. Maybe you could pay me for that advice in the money you made by selling your souls?

mac (2)

I could’ve sworn this poster was a rip off of a good movie, but I just can’t put my finger on it… What do you reckon they’re looking at? The whimsical world of failed careers? “Out of this world and into your heart.”, more like into the garbage heap. That kid has the type of vacant grin which suggests he would be mind blown by an Adam Sandler film. OH WAIT, I’VE REMEMBERED THE MOVIE! It’s The Shawshank Redemption!

Robot monster

I didn’t realise that ‘MOON MONSTERS’ was a synonym for “TWAT IN A SUIT”! I like this “ATTACK AGAINST EARTH!” which is comprised of this bloke carrying around some random woman whilst a dinosaur serenades him and a plane flies into his groin. Seriously, stop being cruel, I think that dinosaur loves you!

Advertisements