Although I love so bad it’s good cinema, these efforts were just plain bad. So, let’s take a look at those film’s which really piss me off.

5) The Usual Suspects (1995)

CONTROVERSIAL CLAIM ALERT!

Look, The Usual Suspects isn’t the worst thing ever. It has some great moments, the line-up scene the most notable of them. It has good performances from a talented cast. It’s well directed. However, what disappointed me was that it didn’t live up to its reputation. I found no reason to care for any of the characters, the narrative was convoluted and not immersive by any stretch of the imagination, and by the time the plot-twist came it seemed kind of obvious and I just didn’t care about it. This film to me was just mediocre, and mediocrity to me is just as great a crime as awfulness, especially when a film has such a legacy. I completely get why people like it, but to me, it just falls short of being the classic it’s heralded as. It was just a bit boring really. Sorry diehard fans, please don’t hate me for this…

4) The BFG (2016)

This film is the definition of bland. I don’t think I’ve ever been closer to falling asleep in the cinema. How do you make a film about a magical land of giants boring, especially when it’s directed by Spielberg?! The only slightly interesting moment is the iconic opening in which he abducts Sophie, but after that, it’s a monotonous ride. We get overly long scenes of Sophie talking to the BFG where nothing happens. The humour of the film essentially boils down to the BFG saying words with an accent. Or, if they REAAALLYYYYY push the boat out, we’ll get a joke about dogs farting. It gets old very fast. In between these tedious scenes between the BFG and Sophie, are tedious scenes between the BFG and the evil giants. They are just crappy stock villains. They have no intelligence and are essentially just playground bullies. They are about as intimidating as a puppy. After the slog to get through the non-eventful, incredibly slow middle of the film, you’d at least expect an impressive set piece at the end. Nope, screw you for expecting anything good from this film. Instead, helicopters fly in, pick up the baddies in the space of five minutes, and voila, it’s over. If only the rest of this bloated mess could’ve been so swift. At nearly 2 hours long, an insanely long runtime for a kids film, you will be in agony once you somehow finally reach the end of this dull and dismal affair. It is the porridge of films. I like Sophie’s cat though.

3) Jitters (2010)

ERGHHHH Jitters, you’re such a mess! This film is the most aimless thing ever. Imagine Skins but directed by a baboon with a learning difficulty and you can imagine this film perfectly. At first, it’s a gay love story. BUT NO. The whole opening of the film is just disregarded until the last twenty minutes. Instead, it’s about a random suicide, chucked in because otherwise there was no real drama, and some kid just going to several parties and somehow being hit on by several girls despite obviously being gay. The chemistry between the leads at the start of the film is great but for some reason, not the focus?! It’s also so contrived. Whether it be the unimaginably stupid act of our protagonist leaving gay porn open on his laptop in his living room or the cheap death, it just seems so manufactured. Our protagonist is incredibly inconsistent. At first, he’s a determined student too nervous to go to a party, and then parties every night?! And the film randomly starts in an international school in Manchester for absolutely no reason with no contribution to the plot, especially considering that our leads live in the same country in the same Icelandic town?! It makes no sense! The writing is awful, the plot is non-existent, and the characters are ridiculous. It also has, hands down, the worst actor I have ever seen. The actor who plays Mitrovik might actually be a plank of wood. Everything about this film is horrendous.

2) Atomic Age (2012)

Let’s sum this film up with a quote:

“Now I’m throwing myself off the Pont Neuf and attempting an exceptional swan dive. I’m swimming in the Seine and I’m coming to Paris. Right now it’s the magical hour, the blue hour, the hour when the city of light shares the dawn with Madrid and Vienna. Swimming up the river streams, utterly naked, I swim towards the galactic paths of the Pacific… Tired, my forehead bathed in a mist, I lie on the crest of a wave that spills its foam in the coral sea and leaves me on the sands of the Guinean coast. Washed up on this archipelago full of ships, totems and old sorcerers between the blowing wind and the compelling stars, I think that true happiness can only be found in mad love.”

I apologise for the length of that, but what a heap of pretentious, pseudo-intellectual crap. This film is like it was made by a moody, depressed 13-year-old, and the fact that our protagonists drink Red bloody Bull instead of alcohol makes me think that this is genuinely the case! It wants to think it’s so clever, but every line is another cringe-inducing piece of shallow, meaningless rubbish. It’s the type of dialogue where every line sounds nice but crumbles when you apply even the smallest dose of logic. The plot is non-existent, the writing atrocious, it’s badly shot, and the characters are beyond irritating. How can you possibly like such immature characters, especially when they’re buried so far up their own arses? I swear the terms ‘coming of age film’ and ‘crappy pretentious shit’ are synonymous with one another. If fake intellectualism and snobby garbage piss you off then avoid this film at all costs unless you hate yourself.

1) Sharknado (2013)

Despite how horrendous Sharknado is, this is not why I hate it so much. I despise it because it’s not genuine. I love so bad it’s good cinema, but I only enjoy the stuff which is genuinely bad. It’s only funny when a filmmaker really believes in what they’re making. Sharknado, on the other hand, is merely a money making product. The filmmakers were never trying to make a good film, they were just capitalising on the wave of popularity bad films have been experiencing. It pisses me off so badly when I hear people bang on about this film as if it’s the worst thing ever. It’s not even bad when you think about it. It perfectly achieved its aim. It couldn’t have been any better at attaining its goal, I just hate what this goal was and how cynical a film it is. It sums up all that’s wrong with the money grabbing movie world. The issue isn’t the shitty, cliched, generic content of the film. I don’t care about that, and it’s such a throwaway movie that it’s not even worth discussing. It’s what the film represents.

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